What I do alone in my hotel room

One of the many perks to my oh so glamorous job is that I spend way more time alone in a hotel room that any sane person can really take. In order to keep my insanity levels at bay I explore the internet. Some nights I find hilarious blogs, or great informational news articles.

Tonight was not one of those nights.

Here are a few of my many exciting, creative accomplishments of the night:

Its a BOY!

Thats right I took an online pregnancy test and guess what they told me:

Pregnancy detected!



Baby McCann's first public appearance!

Congratulations, Delina! You're "with child". Our remote testing system has detected that you're pregnant. The Miracle Of Life has begun!

Thats right people, here is when you really start doubting you can trust everything you find on the internet...Hmm, I wonder if I am far enough along to determine the baby's sex?

It's a Boy!



Baby Boy McCann

Delina, you're going to be the proud parent of a baby boy, and just look- isn't he just so damn cute! Based on our remote test results, your beautiful baby boy will weigh about 14 lbs, 13 oz and have brown hair and hazel eyes. Truly a Wonder To Behold!

Would you like to know who the lucky father is? Our Genetic Validator module has processed that data and determined who the father must be...

Oh My God! I am so on the edge of my seat (well bed actually), who got me knocked up?! I need to find him and punch him in the face for making me give birth to a turkey sized baby. It can't be my boyfriend we both have blue eyes... 

Bill Clinton

My baby daddy

Like thousands of other women of breeding age, you did the Horizontal Bop with Bill. Looks like he really 'felt your pain', along with a few other things.

Hmm...I guess it could be worse, he can at least afford to pay for the reconstructive surgery I'm going to be needing down south from pushing out his bowling ball of a son.

I know after the excitement of my pregnancy, labor, and the shocking Maury like paternity revelation nothing else seems quite as great, but that only took about 2 minutes of my night, so.....

Here are some of my recent works of art:



Work of Art 1



Work of Art 2

As you can probably tell I am really committed to creating a successful wall paper design business. Don't tell me you don't want these on your bathroom walls. And I am totally willing to let you submit designs you've created here to my business where I will then take credit for them and rake in the money.

I also drew this pig.


That weird squiggle behind the pig is supposed to be a trough. In case you didn't get that.

Supposedly my artistic ability with a laptop mouse pad says a lot about my personality. According to the expert opinion of the people at http://drawapig.desktopcreatures.com/ I am positive and optimistic, direct, enjoy playing devil's advocate and neither fear nor avoid discussions, emotional and naive, care little for details and am a risk-taker. I am also secure, stubborn, and stick to my ideals, am an okay listener, and have a not so good sex life (apparently if I had a good sex life I would have drawn a much bigger tail).
 And last but not least I wrote an awesome letter to you my dear reader. And trust me it is amazing! I mean I wrote it in back hair. But since it is flash and I'm not all that smart at adding things beyond links and pictures to this blog you must click HERE.

Yeah that's right I wrote "I'm I pirate bitches" in pirate speak on a hairy mans back. Write me a note back if you dare! But remember, I'm a pirate bitches!!!

I really shouldn't have to tell you this but apparently I do

1. If I can smell your perfume from a block away you probably are wearing too much.

2. Don't eat ethnic food on an airplane. No one wants to be stuck in a tiny plane for hours smelling your chinese leftovers.

3. The left laine is for fast drivers, not drivers who feel like they are pushing the limit when they go 5 under. Seriously drivers of the midwest get in the right lane (and I am not just speaking directionally here).

4. Posting passive agressive statuses on Facebook when you are mad at someone is not going to solve anything. Stop telling everyone but the person who upset you that your mad and go talk to them. Maybe then you won't have as many issues you feel the need to tell all of us about in the future.

5. Texting shorthands are not real words. It takes longer to say LOL than it does to laugh, and you won't sound like a preteen.

6. Public bathroom stalls are not the appropriate place to hold a phone conversation. You do know that when a person flushes it shoots little tiny particals of pee and poo into the air probably getting it all over your phone right? And you are holding that phone really close to your mouth.... (Plus its just weird I can't imagine the person on the other end wants to hear that.)

7. No my dog isn't mean, but if you ride your bike full speed up on his ass he will probably growl at you.

8. No one really wants to hear about your baby's bowel movements. Unless of course it involves them shooting you in the face with pee or something similarly hilarious.

9. Starting to cluster up around the gate before the gate attendant even says that boarding is starting does not get you on the airplane faster. It just makes it a pain in the butt for anyone who is trying to get to the next gate down and anyone who is called to board before you.

10. Leaning your seat back on an airplane is the fastest way to ensure someone is plotting to kill you. And while my plots never pan out I will try my best to jab my knee into your back through the chair.

What about you my dear readership (of about 2), do you have anything to add to the list?

High School Health Class Scarred Me for Life

And no not in the way that you're probably thinking. I actually managed to be sick the day they showed "The Miracle of Life". So my issues with pregnancy, labor, and babies are all of my own making. However, I was there the day that my teacher told us to see if we could make our thumb and pointer finger touch when we wrapped them around our wrist bone. (Kind of like the whole seeing if your hands can reach when you hug someone but with your wrist...) This seems innocent enough but trust me it so isn't. Apparently healthy non-fat people were supposed to be able to have their fingers not only touch but overlap a bit. I however could not even get mine to touch.

Ever since this day I have lived in constant fear of the frist. You know what I am talking about, the wrist version of a cankle. Its completely irrational because even now when I weight 10lbs more than I weighed then I know I am not at risk for either. Despite this I still find myself subconsiously grabbing my wrist just to check that my fingers still touch. (Yes I can touch now, though still no overlap. Somehow while gaining 10 lbs my wrists got skinnier? Or maybe my fingers got longer?) I just realized this today when I was sitting at my desk and had for the 5th time checked to make sure my fingers were actually touching. They weren't yesterday. Maybe I ate too much salt that day?

Thank you 10th grade health class.