The Never-Ending Battle

Recently I have been feeling really unhappy with my body image. Every time I look in the mirror, I swear I'm noticeably fatter. I'm petrified of the scale, and when I finally get the courage up to weigh myself I am only let down more by either a lack of movement or a small gain. I feel like I'm in a losing battle and there is nothing I can do about it.

Did I always used to feel this way? I try and think back to a time when I was happy with my body and I honestly can't remember that time ever existing. I can remember not caring. But thats not the same as being happy. I do remember the moment that I started to care though. It was fourth grade. We got weighed by the school nurse. I weighed 99 lbs. Now I definitely wasn't fat, I was also 4ft 11in at the time and so that gave me a BMI of right around 20. I'd kill to have a BMI of 20 right now. But as a 10 year old its hard to be rational all the time, and when all your friends weigh around 75 lbs and you weigh basically 25 lbs more than them it doesn't matter that you're a perfectly healthy weight for your size, all that matters is you weigh SO much more than everyone else.

Since then, I have never been happy or comfortable with my weight or body. All through middle school and high school I was terrified of ever being asked my weight. While my skinny beautiful friends would talk about their 26 inch waists I would hope that they didn't want to know my waist size (it was only 28 inches, but in comparison that seems like a lot). While my friends tried on their size 4 jeans I would grab my size 8s as fast as possible and immediately try and hide the label so no one would know how much bigger I was.

Why have I contined to terrorized myself for the last 14 years of my life? Why can't I just be happy that I am safely in the healthy range for weight and body fat composition? Honestly, I have no idea. I wish I did. I'm completely at a loss. I keep telling myself maybe if I get down to my dream weight of 140 lbs I'll be happy. But I remember being 138 lbs my freshman year of college (a feat that was only accomplished through exercise and severe and constant nausea due to stress), I was no happier. In fact I didn't really notice much difference at the time. Maybe someday I'll discover the answer. Until then I guess its back to the daily battle with body image. Let me know if you have Excalibur hidden somewhere, I'd be happy for the help.